I came across an article today that was debating whether Zombies would be the next pop-culture monster craze after the Vampires “go back into their coffins” (November 2012 – mark your calendars!). The article was inconclusive, so I’m here to tell you that under no circumstances will Zombies ever. Ever. EVER. Reach the popularity that Vampires have.
And here’s why:
Teenage Girls Don’t Like Brains
As Bela Lugosi – the only actual Vampire to play a Vampire on the silver screen – will tell you (he’s undead remember) it’s remarkably easy to conceal the puncture wounds the civilized Vampire uses to feed. Unless they use a straw, it’s very difficult to show a Zombie feeding without getting blood guts and brains just everywhere and that grosses out teenage girls, the driving demographic behind all things pop-culture.
Teenage Girls Like Limbs
Unfortunately, they like their objects of affection to have all of them. Sorry Zombies.
Zombies Don’t Go Vegetarian
An inside joke in Twilight’s Cullen family is that they regard themselves as vegetarians because they feed on animals instead of people (hilarious!). This helps “humanize” the Vampires – they’re good because they don’t eat people. Zombies have a bowl of Soylent Green every morning before they shuffle off to eat people.
Zombies Don’t Have Superpowers
Vampires have always had superpowers of sorts hypnotization/mind control, turning into a bat, immortality, etc. But today’s Vampires take it to a whole new level, super strength, speed, intelligence and in Twilight’s cases future telling, mind reading etc. making the undead closer to demi-gods than people. Zombies don’t have that going for them. Why? Because by definition Zombies are decaying – they get the short end of the stick in the whole undead universe as they become undead just to be dying/redead again. If it wasn’t for the mercy of some chainsaw-wielding, shot-gun blasting hero putting them out of their mercy, they’d literally fall apart.
Zombies Don’t Brood
Today’s Vampires are all misunderstood and alone in the world, so the teenage girl they meet can reform them. Now, Zombies are misunderstood too, but mostly because their tongue already decayed and fallen out; and Zombies always travel in groups – who wants to reform the guy who’s just like everyone else?
Zombies Don’t Have Accents
All the hot Vampires seem to have accents of one sort or another – generally British. Ever heard what a group of common British Zombies – Zombiesus Britannica Fimiliarous – sounds like? (you just said “Brains” in a British accent didn’t you?) It’s like their lobbying for the preservation of raw fish.
We could try to change Zombies from their traditional appearance and character traits, like with Vampires or Werewolves; make them decay less, increase speed/strength/intelligence, give them coherent speech, all their limbs and all that – but at the end of the day what does that leave you with? A Vampire who eats brains.
Comes the brilliant new brown tree-snake population control method: Operation Dead Mouse Air Strike!
Apparently the brown tree snake, an invasive species to Guam, has been devastating the local avian population of the island and wreaking havoc on electrical systems leading to widespread power outages. Scientists have found that acetaminophen (Tylenol) is poisonous to the snakes – assumedly during a study into why the brown tree snake death-rate from headaches, joint-pain and arthritis was so high – and have come up with the perfect 4 step solution:
Step 1: Inject dead mice with high doses of Tylenol
Step 2: Glue Tylenol-loaded dead mice to cardboard
Step 3: Drop Tylenol-loaded cardboard-glued dead mice from helicopters
Step 4: Snakes eat air-dropped Tylenol-loaded cardboard glued dead mice and die.
There’s no plan as to what’s going to be done with the hundreds of thousands of dead snakes littering the area.
All ridiculousness aside, and there’s an awful lot of it, this being a military operation, how exactly does one go about requisitioning mice for this?
Scientist: “We’ve figured out how we’re going to deal with the snakes. We’re going to need some mice.”
Requisition Officer: “So, what’s the plan?”
S: “Well, we’ve found that we can kill them with Tylenol”
RO: “But snakes don’t eat Tylenol”
S: “Not a problem. We’re putting the Tylenol in some mice”
RO: “But the snakes live in trees”
S: “Not a problem. We’re dropping the mice into the trees from helicopters”
RO: “Won’t the mice die or become crippled on impact?”
S: “Not a problem. With the Tylenol in their system they won’t feel a thing”
RO: “It seems a bit inhumane”
S: “Not a problem. We’re killing the mice first, then injecting them with Tylenol, then dropping them from helicopters into the trees”
RO: “Won’t the mice just bounce of the branches and fall to the ground?”
S: “Not a problem. The cardboard will get caught in the braches.”
RO: “The cardboard?”
S: “Oh yes, the cardboard is central to the whole plan sir.”
RO: “Is it.”
S: “Oh yes sir, see we’re going to glue the dead mice to cardboard before we throw them out the helicopter sir.”
S: “Yes sir. The cardboard will catch on the branches so the mice stay in the trees where the snakes can get at them.”
RO: “So let me get this straight…You want to requisition mice, kill them, load them with Tylenol, glue them to cardboard and then drop them out of a helicopter over the forests of Guam so you can wipe out an entire species from the island?”
S: “That’s correct.”
RO: “Right. Sign here.”