Will Zombies Be The Next Vampires? Brains.
I came across an article today that was debating whether Zombies would be the next pop-culture monster craze after the Vampires “go back into their coffins” (November 2012 – mark your calendars!). The article was inconclusive, so I’m here to tell you that under no circumstances will Zombies ever. Ever. EVER. Reach the popularity that Vampires have.
And here’s why:
Teenage Girls Don’t Like Brains
As Bela Lugosi – the only actual Vampire to play a Vampire on the silver screen – will tell you (he’s undead remember) it’s remarkably easy to conceal the puncture wounds the civilized Vampire uses to feed. Unless they use a straw, it’s very difficult to show a Zombie feeding without getting blood guts and brains just everywhere and that grosses out teenage girls, the driving demographic behind all things pop-culture.
Teenage Girls Like Limbs
Unfortunately, they like their objects of affection to have all of them. Sorry Zombies.
Zombies Don’t Go Vegetarian
An inside joke in Twilight’s Cullen family is that they regard themselves as vegetarians because they feed on animals instead of people (hilarious!). This helps “humanize” the Vampires – they’re good because they don’t eat people. Zombies have a bowl of Soylent Green every morning before they shuffle off to eat people.
Zombies Don’t Have Superpowers
Vampires have always had superpowers of sorts hypnotization/mind control, turning into a bat, immortality, etc. But today’s Vampires take it to a whole new level, super strength, speed, intelligence and in Twilight’s cases future telling, mind reading etc. making the undead closer to demi-gods than people. Zombies don’t have that going for them. Why? Because by definition Zombies are decaying – they get the short end of the stick in the whole undead universe as they become undead just to be dying/redead again. If it wasn’t for the mercy of some chainsaw-wielding, shot-gun blasting hero putting them out of their mercy, they’d literally fall apart.
Zombies Don’t Brood
Today’s Vampires are all misunderstood and alone in the world, so the teenage girl they meet can reform them. Now, Zombies are misunderstood too, but mostly because their tongue already decayed and fallen out; and Zombies always travel in groups – who wants to reform the guy who’s just like everyone else?
Zombies Don’t Have Accents
All the hot Vampires seem to have accents of one sort or another – generally British. Ever heard what a group of common British Zombies – Zombiesus Britannica Fimiliarous – sounds like? (you just said “Brains” in a British accent didn’t you?) It’s like their lobbying for the preservation of raw fish.
We could try to change Zombies from their traditional appearance and character traits, like with Vampires or Werewolves; make them decay less, increase speed/strength/intelligence, give them coherent speech, all their limbs and all that – but at the end of the day what does that leave you with? A Vampire who eats brains.