Home > Politics > The European Financial Crisis Solved. You’re Welcome, Europe.

The European Financial Crisis Solved. You’re Welcome, Europe.

Spain is around eleventy billion dollars in debt.  Which I’m pretty sure is the exact price they paid to get Christiano Ronaldo from Manchester United of England.  Thanks to David Cameron’s new “no give-backs” economic policy Spain is kind of stuck with a lemon here.  Or are they? Why not profit on the only sure thing Christiano Ronaldo’s got – Rock Hard Abs.  Fortunately for Spain, he has 8 of them…or maybe 10…12?  And I’m sure they could be sold off individually to interested parties; I’m sure countries like China or the UAE would love to add “Now with 50% of Christiano Ronaldo’s Abdominals!” to their national slogans.  Or, if you can’t pass him off entirely to another state, why not loan him out and let another nation take on his care? I know of at least one place that has a protected reserve for douchey guys with rock-hard abs and perma-gelled hair…
Italy? No problem.  The easiest way for Italy to get back on track is to turn back the clock to a more successful era.  Like 2000 years or so.  Really Italy, just have the Empire strike back and you’ll be up and running in no time.  Mixed Martial Arts is all the rage right now, so why not give the world a taste of where competitive fighting really hit its stride? Renovate the Coliseum into a 5-star open air entertainment complex and bring history and modernity together as you showcase live gladiatorial battles! You think UFC is intense? Wait ‘till you see a guy get a trident in the neck as he’s being eaten by a lion.
That Ireland needed to be bailed out is plain disappointing.  When your number one export is the world’s most delicious beer, and you’re shipping out 10, 000, 000 pints a day there’s no way you should be in economic trouble; drunk maybe, but not in economic trouble.  Fortunately there’s an easy solution to economic stability that marries Ireland’s two national pastimes – drinking and drinking.  St. Patrick’s Day is the biggest day of the year home and abroad for the Irish, and frankly it’s a shame it’s only once a year.  So why not extend it for a whole week!  Even a month!  It won’t just boost the economy domestically but will increase Irish product awareness abroad; and for a nation who’s second largest export (I assume) is plastic shamrocks, that can only be a good thing. As an added bonus, Ireland can help out the Australians by importing deadly snakes to give St. Patrick’s month that authentic medieval vibe.
Finally there’s Greece. Let’s face it Greece, you haven’t been in peak form in over 2500 years (wow, that’s really depressing when you say it out loud).  But you do have one true, undying legacy: the toga.  You invented it.  Way to go, Greece.  For generation upon generation the toga has been a symbol or drunken frat boys and sorority girls everywhere, and now it’s time for the toga to come home.  Start handing out flyers Greece, your hosting the world’s most raging kegger since that one time at Delta Tau Chi.  Invite everyone, charge 10$ at the door and you’ll be back up and running in no time. Oh, also?  It’d help if your citizenry, you know, paid their taxes, even just a little.
You’re welcome, Europe.

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