Archive for January, 2011

Canada: Making Saving Lives Cost Effective

January 31, 2011 Leave a comment

 “Elected to form a minority government they didn’t want, these men promptly escaped from their political duties to the Ottawa Underground.

Today, still wanted to perform the duties of government, they survive as politicians of fortune.

If you have a problem – if no one else can help – and if you can find them – maybe you can hire the CAN-A-Team”

Amidst the turmoil in Egypt, governments abroad are scrambling to get their citizens safely home.

Portugal and Greece are sending military planes to evacuate their citizens.  China and Indonesia are sending commercial and charter aircraft to get their people out.  Hell, even Azerbaijan is sending a jet to collect their nationals.

The President of Iraq, the President of Iraq. Think about that for a second.  I’m not sure if there’s a more tenuous political position in the world than being President of Iraq.  The President of Iraq is sending his personal jet (who knew?!) to Cairo to evacuate stranded Iraqis and bring them home.

Meanwhile Canada, with some 6000 citizens in Egypt, ever protective of their citizens abroad (in 2006 they evacuated 15 000 from Lebanon at a 94 million dollar cost to the public) is expecting full reimbursement for charter flights to Europe, where on arrival citizens can buy their own commercial ticket home.  Canada: we’ll save your life, cash up front.


“The Dictator” Offensively Coming to a Theatre Near You – 2012

January 24, 2011 Leave a comment

 “the heroic story of a dictator who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed.”

Can’t wait for the taglines/recommendations that are going to come out with this one…



Based on best-selling Iraqi novelist Saddam Hussein’s ‘Zabibah and the King’

From the man who brought you: The Invasion of Kuwait, Gulf War Pt. 1, and Gulf War Pt. 2

“I cried, I laughed, I learned, I Loved ‘The Dictator’” – Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“I give it two thumbs up!” – Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“100% of the population viewed this film” – Iraqi Bureau of Information

“I was really able to see myself in the main character” – Official Body Double #6

“It’s the greatest film of all time!” – Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“This film had Weapons of Mass Destruction…aimed right at my heart” – Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

“I’m not sure if I know what I knew about this film, but I knew that I didn’t know it was a winner!” – Former Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld

“In no way was this film disappointing” – Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

“Mission Accomplished!” – President George W. Bush

Quebec National Assembly Moves to ban Scissors, Sharp Pencils From Schools

January 20, 2011 Leave a comment

Only two days after banning four representatives of the Word Sikh Organization from the floor of the National Assembly because they refused to surrender their kirpans (a ceremonial dagger carried by men of the Sikh religion) to security; the Assembly has motion for the ban of scissors, pens and sharpened pencils from Quebec’s schools.

Head of the National Assembly security Pierre Duchesnes stands by the decision, noting that “if it can be used to stab, to me it’s a knife.” Explaining why he’s routinely cutting his steak with his car keys.

“It’s a safety measure that’s been long due” noted one Assembly member, a survivor of the great paper-cut outbreak of ’79 through his bubble-wrap facemask.  “Children, like adults, cannot be trusted with any sharp objects.”  the member conceded that the conversion to safety scissors and pre-used crayons (duller colours only) will likely cause a drop in the efficiency rating of Quebec schools; however, he expects a favourable decrease in pokings, proddings and pony-tail cuttings, as well as an increase in the colourful whimsy and overall waxy-ness of student essays.

Hearings will resume later this week.  Assembly security officials advise anyone with long finger-nails, brightly coloured eyes and/or an acuminous wit will be turned away at the door.